Plays by Matt Harrison

(MR. PINK shoots at PICARD with the unloaded BB gun.)

MR. PINK

(indicating himself)

So, what's the best costume you've seen so far?

PICARD

There was a guy dressed as Captain Picard, I think. That was a pretty great one.

MR. PINK

Isn't that what your costume is?

PICARD

Oh, yeah, that must be who I was thinking of.

MR. PINK

You can't be your own favorite costume.

PICARD

YOU can't be my own favorite costume.

MR. PINK

Did you see my skinny tie?

(BRUCE WILLIS approaches and takes the fourth stool along the bar.)

PICARD

Hey. Did you just get here?

WILLIS

Yeah, sorry. I got caught up talking to my dad. Do you know if Christina is here yet?

MR. PINK

Yeah, she was out on the porch when I went to go smoke.

WILLIS

Cool. I'm gonna go find Christina real quick.

(WILLIS reaches over and snatches the book from out of SKELETON's hands.)

SKELETON

(spinning around on the stool)

Hey, I was reading that.

WILLIS

It's a party, man. Who brings a book to a party?

(WILLIS glances down at the book in his hands, inspects it, flips it over and reads from the back cover.)

WILLIS

I'll be back.

(WILLIS leaves the stage.)

SKELETON

Is he with Christina now?

MR. PINK

Not really.

(Pause.)

I'm gonna go smoke.

(MR. PINK takes a shot of something.)

SKELETON

Again?

(MR. PINK leaves the stage.)

SKELETON

When did Jon start smoking for real?

PICARD

Ehh.

SKELETON

So what did you think of "Electric Sheep"?

PICARD

It was pretty good. Alaine's reading it now. I'll get it back to you when she's done.

SKELETON

I just saw the movie for the first time. Kinda slow.

PICARD

I love that goddamn movie.

SKELETON

It doesn't make a lot of sense.

PICARD

That's what I love about it.

SKELETON

Yeah, I'm glad I finally saw it, but I still like the book better.

PICARD

Well, ya know, I just skimmed it.

(WILLIS returns with a beer bottle in his hand. He drops SKELETON's book back on the countertop behind him.)

WILLIS

What are we talking about?

PICARD

Blade Runner, the best movie ever.

WILLIS

Oh man, the book was even better.

(PICARD's wife, GANDALF, approaches and puts her arm around her husband's chair.)

GANDALF

Hey, dudes.

(PICARD tips off his chair to do a little dance for her.)

SKELETON

Hey, Alaine. Do you know if you guys have any juice?

GANDALF

Yeah, we got some OJ for the screwdrivers.

SKELETON

Great, thanks.

(SKELETON leaves the stage. MR. PINK returns.)

GANDALF

We're gonna start the movie soon if you guys wanna come to the other room.

WILLIS

Is Jason gonna have the hockey mask in this one? I don't give a shit about pre-mask Jason.

GANDALF

You can't completely dismiss number two. He kills a guy in a wheelchair.

WILLIS

That could be anyone under the sack mask.

MR. PINK

It could be anyone under the hockey mask.

PICARD

No, no. That's no mask. That's his face.

GANDALF

Maybe he had the hockey mask on under the sack mask.

PICARD

Not hockey mask. Hockey face.

(SKELETON comes back with a cup. He stands next to MR. PINK, who has taken his seat.)

SKELETON

(to MR. PINK)

God, Jon, you smell like smoke.

MR. PINK

Yeah, and it's fucking delicious.

SKELETON

Gross.

MR. PINK

Are you drinking a screwdriver?

SKELETON

It's just juice.

MR. PINK

Aw, man. You're wasting it.

SKELETON

Fuck off.

WILLIS

Careful. Let's not let this turn into a juice war.

PICARD

A juice war actually sounds kinda awesome.

GANDALF

Juice war!

PICARD and GANDALF

Juice war! Juice war! Juice war!

MR. PINK

Fuck it. I'm having one.

(MR. PINK leaves to fix himself a drink.)

GANDALF

Anyway, we wanna start the movie soon.

PICARD

OK, we'll be in.

(GANDALF leaves.)

SKELETON

Why are all these people here?

PICARD

It's a party.

SKELETON

Why can't we just watch a movie? Why do we have to get a bunch of drunk people involved?

PICARD

Drunk people are funny.

SKELETON

Drunk people are only funny to drunk people.

WILLIS

That makes you the exception.

Picard

In the land of the drunk, the one-eyed drunk is... drunk?

WILLIS

Poignant.

(MR. PINK returns.)

MR. PINK

Dude. You won't believe what just happened.

SKELETON

I bet I will.

MR. PINK

Somebody in a Robocop costume just puked all over...

PICARD

Awesome.

MR. PINK

No, dude, right into the whiskey bottle!

WILLIS

What?!

MR. PINK

He went to take a drink and just puked right into the bottle, all over his hands, his costume, everything!

WILLIS

Oh God, I think I smell it.

SKELETON

(sarcastically)

Well, that's great. That just sounds great.

MR. PINK

Don't worry. It mostly just got on the linoleum.

SKELETON

You didn't clean it up?!

PICARD

I'm not worried.

WILLIS

Alaine's gonna be pissed.

MR. PINK

Anyways, somebody needs to go get some more whiskey.

PICARD

(to SKELETON)

Oh, hey. Did I tell you I found my old X-men comics?

SKELETON

What? Like which ones?

PICARD

All my old 90s comics. I found a whole box of 'em at my mom's house.

SKELETON

Shit. Can I have them? You gotta let me have those.

PICARD

Hell no.

SKELETON

Are they here? Where are they? Show me.

PICARD

Yeah, they're in my room. C'mon.

(PICARD and SKELETON go out.)

WILLIS

So... how've you been? We haven't hung out in a bit.

MR. PINK

Eh... I'm all right.

WILLIS

You staying with your mom again?

MR. PINK

Yeah, I still need to get some of stuff from Meg's, though. Some clothes and stuff.

WILLIS

Did I tell you that I saw her last week?

MR. PINK

Yeah? Just up working at the mall?

WILLIS

Nah, we went and got burritos.

MR. PINK

She called you?

WILLIS

Yeah, it was fun. Have you been to the burrito bar yet?

MR. PINK

Uh, yeah. She... me and her used to go there.

(Pause. MR. PINK gulps down the rest of his drink.)

MR. PINK

(indicating his glass)

I'm gonna go get another one.

(MR. PINK leaves. WILLIS looks around the room, watching people for a few moments. SUPERGIRL approaches.)

SUPERGIRL

Hey, Zack. Cool costume. Who are you?

WILLIS

I'm Bruce Willis.

SUPERGIRL

Oh, cool! Like from The Fifth Element? I love that movie!

WILLIS

From Die Hard.

SUPERGIRL

Oh, I've never seen that. Isn't that with, like, Steven Seagal?

WILLIS

No, no, no. You have to see it. It's a classic. You should come over this week and I'll show you.

SUPERGIRL

Yeah, that would be fun. Or, you know what? You could come to karaoke with us on Friday. We go every week. I love it.

WILLIS

Sounds like fun.

(GANDALF returns.)

GANDALF

Zack, did you see where Greg went? Some asshole puked all over my kitchen floor.

WILLIS

They went in the back room to look at comics.

GANDALF

Not the comics. This is supposed to be a party.

WILLIS

Hey, would you wanna come to karaoke with us on Friday night?

GANDALF

Like where? Do they have metal? I will sing the shit outta some Slayer.

SUPERGIRL

Who?

WILLIS

Probably. Apparently they do it every weekend.

SUPERGIRL

(dismissively)

Well, not every weekend.

GANDALF

OK, well let me know.

WILLIS

Back room.

(SKELETON returns with a stack of comics.)

SKELETON

Hey, Alaine.

GANDALF

Hey, nerd.

(GANDALF leaves. SKELETON stacks the comics on the counter with his book. WILLIS starts eyeing the comics.)

SUPERGIRL

Oh, you like comics, Zack? What do you think of my Superwoman costume?

SKELETON

There's no such character as Superwoman.

No, like from Superman.

SKELETON

Uhh...

SUPERGIRL

Anyway, I'll see you later, Zack. I love your Steven Seagal costume.

(Supergirl wanders away.)

SKELETON

Gross, dude. You're Steven Seagal? I thought you were supposed to be Bruce Willis in Die Hard.

WILLIS

Well, you heard what Superwoman said.

SKELETON

"Superwoman."

WILLIS

You know, there actually was a Superwoman on Earth-2.

SKELETON

Whatever. Superman isn't even a comic book anymore. It's a Shaq tattoo.

(Pause.)

I'll be right back.

(SKELETON leaves. MR. PINK and a visibly drunk ROBOCOP enter.)

ROBOCOP

Hey, man. Cool party, huh? I love Halloween.

WILLIS

Yeah, me too. I especially love whiskey bottles filled with puke.

ROBOCOP

Dude! It's so weird you said just that! I was just puking into a whiskey bottle like five minutes ago! That's so weird.

WILLIS

Yeah, weird.

MR. PINK

Robocop's gonna buy us some more whiskey.

ROBOCOP

Yeah, man. You gotta have whiskey.

(MR. PINK laughs, WILLIS chuckles.)

WILLIS

Yeah, that's great. Let me know when you're getting ready to puke in the next one. I'd like to watch.

ROBOCOP

Sure, man. No problem.

(Robocop and MR. PINK both laugh heartily. WILLIS chuckles again. PICARD and GANDALF approach.)

GANDALF

Oh good, look who it is!

PICARD

You can't be mad at Robocop, honey. Look at his beautiful face.

GANDALF

Who even invited this guy?

ROBOCOP

Hey, man. Be cool. It's a party.

GANDALF

No, "man," didn't you hear? The party's not until tomorrow night.

ROBOCOP

What? No way, man. You're just messing with me.

WILLIS

No, dude. She's right. You didn't hear about this? The party got moved to tomorrow.

ROBOCOP

(laughing)

No, man. You can't trick me. Tonight is Halloween, man. Look at all the costumes.

WILLIS

What costumes?

GANDALF

Yeah, what costumes do you mean?

ROBOCOP

You guys are crazy, man.

MR. PINK

They're just kidding, dude. C'mon, let's go get that whiskey. We'll be back later, guys.

(WILLIS takes the BB gun out of MR. PINK's hand and lays it on the counter.)

WILLIS

Better leave this here.

PICARD

Or you could just store it in Robocop's thigh.

ROBOCOP

Do what?

GANDALF

I won't be upset if you lose Robocop in some bushes on the way back.

MR. PINK

Whatever.

(to ROBOCOP)

C'mon.

(MR. PINK and ROBOCOP leave the party.)

PICARD

C'mon, honey. It's not a party without Robocop.

GANDALF

I don't need this sloppy motherfucker puking all over my house.

PICARD

I think we do. I think we need him.

(PICARD starts doing a robot dance for GANDALF. He starts to win her over.)

GANDALF

All right, well, I'm gonna go get the movie started.

PICARD

We're not gonna wait for Jon to get back?

GANDALF

Bah. OK, ten minutes. That's it.

(GANDALF leaves.)

PICARD

(turning to WILLIS)

So.

WILLIS

So.

PICARD

Seen any good costumes?

WILLIS

Some.

PICARD

I saw a pretty good ghost.

WILLIS

You mean the sheet with eye holes?

PICARD

Yeah. Super innovative.

WILLIS

So clever. Maybe next year he'll just pop in some vampire teeth.

(SKELETON returns.)

WILLIS

Where've you been?

SKELETON

Nowhere.

(SKELETON adds some more of PICARD's comics to the stack on the counter.)

PICARD

I told you those X-Force ones were good.

SKELETON

In like a cheesy 90s way.

PICARD

In a totally perfect way.

SKELETON

Dude, these decorations are nuts. Where did you get this thing?

(He swings the hanging skeleton. It sways back and forth like a pendulum as the conversation continues.)

PICARD

I borrowed it from my dad's classroom.

SKELETON

Oh, right. That's a really good idea.

WILLIS

I'm glad you don't have all that stretched cotton around. I hate that stuff.

SKELETON

What, like the webs?

WILLIS

Is that what that's supposed to be? The chunky cotton everywhere?

SKELETON

Are you kidding me?

WILLIS

How should I know? It doesn't look like a web. It doesn't look like anything.

PICARD

I have to remember to put up some chunky cotton next year.

WILLIS

No man, don't do it. That stuff sucks.

PICARD

I have to now. I have to.

(MR. PINK returns alone.)

SKELETON

Hey, where's your friend? Did he get arrested?

MR. PINK

(a little drunk now)

Hey, fuck you, OK? What's your problem tonight?

WILLIS

So, you found the whiskey, then?

SKELETON

I don't have a problem. All my beverages are completely free of vomit.

MR. PINK

It's a fucking party, Matt. Why don't you want anyone to have any fun?

SKELETON

Cause your idea of fun ruins everyone else's fun.

WILLIS

It's just you, Matt. Everyone else is having a good time.

PICARD

I'm having a good time.

(MR. PINK knocks his BB gun off the counter and it clatters loudly on the ground.)

SKELETON

Why don't you watch where you going?

MR. PINK

Why don't you take your book and go read at home?

(WILLIS steps between them and nudges MR. PINK back.)

PICARD

C'mon man, let's just go watch some Jason. Jason will cheer you up. Jason's a fucking prince.

MR. PINK

(to himself)

It's a fucking party, man.

(PICARD leads MR. PINK out.)

WILLIS

(turning to SKELETON)

What's with you two?

SKELETON

I just... I don't like parties.

WILLIS

You? Really?

SKELETON

Halloween was so much fun when it was just us. We'd watch a bunch of stupid movies and that was that. Now I'm surrounded by drunk assholes. How is that better?

WILLIS

You just don't like that your friends have other friends.

SKELETON

"Oh, I drank so much last night. Have you heard of this beer? Did you try the new whatever?" What's the fascination?

WILLIS

It's just what people our age do.

SKELETON

I don't relate to these people. It makes me want to forget the whole thing. I'd rather just read my goddamn book.

WILLIS

You just want us all to stay twenty forever.

SKELETON

What's wrong with that?

(XENA enters the scene.)

XENA

Hey, Zack! Come dance with us!

WILLIS

(still to SKELETON)

Are you gonna go home?

SKELETON

I dunno. Maybe pretty soon.

WILLIS

All right. Come find me when you're leaving, OK?

SKELETON

K.

(WILLIS leaves with XENA. SKELETON turns his back to the party and opens his book on the countertop. After a few moments, GANDALF enters.)

GANDALF

What's with Jon?

SKELETON

Hell if I know.

GANDALF

He seems pissed.

SKELETON

Yeah. I kinda think we're at different parties.

GANDALF

Your type of party is not a party.

SKELETON

Yeah.

GANDALF

You gonna come watch the movie?

SKELETON

Maybe in a little bit. You can start without me.

GANDALF

Oh, we already did.

SKELETON

That's fine.

(MR. PINK returns alone.)

GANDALF

Be nice, guys.

GANDALF leaves.

SKELETON

Hey.

MR. PINK

Hey.

SKELETON

Look, let's do something tomorrow. You wanna go see a movie?

MR. PINK

I don't have any money.

SKELETON

I could cover you.

MR. PINK

I dunno. I haven't been watching a lot of movies lately. Anyway, I have band practice.

SKELETON

You guys got some shows coming up?

MR. PINK

A couple. Mostly we gotta get ready to record.

SKELETON

That'll be cool.

MR. PINK

Then you won't have to come to the shows anymore.

SKELETON

I like the band a lot, I just can't stand going to bars.

MR. PINK

I know.

SKELETON

So, no movie, then?

MR. PINK

Christina's party is on Saturday. You should come out.

SKELETON

Nah, I don't know those people.

MR. PINK

You only know the four of us.

SKELETON

That's plenty.

(GANDALF, PICARD, and WILLIS return.)

WILLIS

(to Matt)

Dude, is there such a game as Street Fighter I?

SKELETON

Huh?

WILLIS

Alaine says there's no such thing as Street Fighter. She says the series started with number two.

GANDALF

It did. It totally did. Have you ever played a number one?

SKELETON

I guess I haven't.

WILLIS

Well, neither have I... but there has to be one.

GANDALF

It's a conspiracy. They wanted to seem all mysterious.

MR. PINK

The original came out in the mid 80s. You had to play as Ryu. Player two had to be Ken. The sequel was the first fighting game where you got to choose your character. It basically invented the modern fighting game.

WILLIS

I knew it.

PICARD

No way. I have to play as Guile.

SKELETON

What? Guile sucks.

PICARD

I need to have my Sonic Boom and I need to have my flat top.

MR. PINK

Guile wasn't even in the original.

PICARD

What? It's not Street Fighter if there's no Guile. I'm on Alaine's side. I refuse to acknowledge this game.

MR. PINK

And the final boss was Sagat.

PICARD, WILLIS, GANDALF, and SKELETON

What?!

(XENA enters.)

XENA

Zack, you guys are missing Jason.

WILLIS

Can't miss Jason.

PICARD

I always miss Jason.

GANDALF

But Jason never misses you.

PICARD

Are you saying that his machete swipes are accurate, or are you saying that he doesn't love me back?

WILLIS

Matt, Jon, you guys coming?

MR. PINK

Hell yeah, I'm coming.

SKELETON

All right, yeah. I'm coming.

(As they leave, someone brushes against the hanging skeleton decoration. For several moments, the only movement on stage is the gentle swaying of the skeleton.)